The Funniest Insurance Claims and Quotes

All genuine scenarios – many incorporated into a comic act by Jasper Carrott

• A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
• A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.
• Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
• I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.
• I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.
• I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.
• I collided with a stationary tree.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one.
• I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
• I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
• I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog & smothered it with a blanket.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
• I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
• I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
• I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
• I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
• I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
• No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
• No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
• On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.
• Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
• The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.
• The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
• The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
• The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
• The bloke was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
• The car in front stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
• The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
• The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
• The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
• The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.
• The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.
• There was no damage done to the car, as the gate post will testify.
• There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
• Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
• To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
• We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo.
• When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Contact Macallan Insurance Broker at: T. 038 427 904/5 E. info@macallanbroker.com LINE. Macallan

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